Dear Ed,
I first met you in 8th grade. I did not know you by name for a while, but I did notice the thrill I felt every time we brushed up against one another, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before.
You gave me something no one else had ever given me before.
You gave me control.
It didn’t take long for us to become well acquainted, things went fast and hard. Then your sister Ana came along and that’s when things really began to change. People told me to watch out, they warned me to stay away from you both, especially her. But I tuned them out, they didn’t understand anyways.
At first I thought I was the ring leader, I thought I was calling the shots. I thought I was the one to say when enough was enough. But Ana was possessive; she was controlling. At that point, she had me. She was the one running the show, she had all the power.
Ana was the one in control.
But I still didn’t want to get rid of her. I couldn’t get rid of her.
She made me look good.
She made me look strong, thin and in control.
But, what we had came at a cost. It cost me years of my life, stuck in our destructive relationship.
I finally reached my breaking point, I guess that’s what people call rock bottom. I decided I was done with Ana. I didn’t want her in my life anymore, I didn’t need her. I wanted my life back.
So I beat her.
People said she’d find her way back and haunt me forever. They told me that I would never be rid of her, I’d never truly be free from her. But I began to find freedom and wholeness and balance.
Ana would call me up from time to time. She had a way of making what she had to offer look appealing. She made me wonder if going back may be worthwhile. That’s how she was and I wasn’t surprised by any of it.
But what did surprise me nearly four years later was the night that you and Ana’s other sister B showed up. She showed up uninvited and unannounced.
I was in college, it was my junior year and I was hanging out with my sorority sisters sipping on sangria. It was getting late and I needed to get back to studying. It was my first semester of nursing school and I had a lot at stake; I had a lot to prove.
Just before I left I ducked into the bathroom and B followed me in. I told her to leave, I wasn’t interested in anything she had to offer. She urged me to try it, just once, I might even feel better she said.
So I did. I tried it just once.
And she was just like Ana, they didn’t look anything alike, but they were the same.
Same patterns, same lies, same manipulation.
Same shit different day.
But enough was enough. I put an end to thing with B the same way I did with Ana. I beat her.
So Ed, I write all of this to tell you that we are done. We are though. You’ve never been any good to me. You sisters Ana and B are done with their days of running a muck on my life at my own willingness.
I no longer believe that I need you.
I no longer believe that you offer me freedom through control.
I no longer believe that I need you to be enough.
I no longer need you because I believe that I am beautiful and worthy aside from any status or affirmation you, Ana or B can provide.
So this is goodbye.
Sincerely,
a happy, healthy and wholehearted Meredith