How To Avoid Being That Annoying Enneagram Obsessed Person

My feed isn’t filled with lovely hand-lettered illustrations of each type and I’m not some certified guru who knows and can teach the enneagram like the wonderful humans at the Narrative Enneagram.


But I’m a real-life girl and wife who has made her fair share of assumptions, mistakes, and faux pas when it comes to the enneagram.


The truth is, I love the enneagram and want to engage in meaningful ways and have conversations about it with the people I share life with but sometimes I don’t do it in the best way.

So here are 3 simple things you can do to engage with others about the enneagram and an added bonus - that just might help us all avoid being unintentionally rude or being that annoying enneagram person (if you know you know).

  1. Ask questions


I’m guilty of thinking that because I know the enneagram and I’m familiar with someone's type that I know #allthethings

Truth is I don’t have a clue and that’s my cue to start asking questions.

Whether it’s your childhood best friend, mom, or husband, start by asking questions.

One of my favorite sayings about asking questions comes from enneagram expert and teacher Suzanne Stabile. She says, “a question isn’t really a question if you already have an answer in mind.” Meaning, you’re not fooling anyone or helping anyone when you ask leading questions that you feel like you already know the answer to.

It’s remarkable what you’ll learn. 

There are so many moments that I sit, mouth open, completely dumbfounded over what I assumed about my type 3 husband or my type 9 sister-in-law and what I learned was actually the case once I asked a question.

Assuming someone's behavior is a result of or associated with their type is dangerous.  

All assumptions are dangerous. 


Assumptions are the very way we put people into the boxes we so vehemently demand they not put us in.  



It’s simple but important. Start asking questions, even if, no, ESPECIALLY if, you already know someone well and their enneagram type.


2. Listen


So stupid and simple and boring that you may skip over this paragraph altogether and I probably would too if I were you which is percisely why it’s here; for people out there like me.


Yeah, listen.

Ok so I'm usually decent as asking questions. 

But then something happens after I ask a question. 


I start thinking of all the other things in my head, like my response to what they’re saying or what I forgot to get a grocery store of the emails and I have grossly neglected and have got to return today and then I have absolutely no idea what this person just shared with me about their Enneagram type and the way they see and operate in the world.


Total jerk move. Ask a question then don’t even listen.


It’s worth going a little Beyonce on you here to get the point across. Listennnnnn


Or to pull out the old Merriman-Webster definition of listen: to hear something with thoughtful attention: give consideration.


Dang. I barely hear something with thoughtful attention, much less give consideration.


If you made it this far, I warned you, it was simple and boring but so so important.



Listen.

3. Be Kind

To others especially but also to yourself.


Once the laughter from the memes evades and you’ve double-tapped all the enneagram parodies bombarding your feed, the enneagram brings tough truth to light and provides a path of self-discovery and spiritual growth that isn’t easy.

Be kind to those who are on that journey, you will see the worst of their types but you will also receive the gift of the work they have done and see the beauty of redemption that only grace can accomplish.

Be kind to yourself. Be patient in the process.


Ask questions.

Listen.

be kind.






“What Enneagram Type Do You Think They Are?”

“What type do you think they are?”

It’s become a dreaded question when people ask me that.

I don’t know.

Like for real. I don’t.


I have a deep appreciation for the enneagram, the common language it’s given us, the lens by which it’s given us to see ourselves and understand others.

But for the love, let’s stop asking that dang question.

It’s the wrong question to be asking, in my humble opinion.

All we can see is someone’s behavior.

They are the only ones who can see their motivation.

We convolute and confuse more things when we insist on asking that question and here’s why;

Sitting on the couch recently across from my therapist she asked 

“Do you identify with much about the enneagram type 4?”

Truthfully I had never thought much about it. From my first introduction to the enneagram at age fifteen, the 4 was a type I never identified with much about so it became an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ sort of deal.

But as we discussed it, I felt like I was having an existential crisis sitting in her office that day, freaking out, and wondering if for the past fifteen years I’ve had it all wrong and I’m really an enneagram type 4 and not a type 8.

Dramatic? Totally.

Am I a type 4? Probably not.

Do I know for sure? Nope.

Does it matter that I know that I know that I know? I’m not convinced 


The gift of the enneagram is hindered when we fixate on solidifying our own type and needing to know others types.


The enneagram is a journey of self-discovery and spiritual growth.

It’s not some “fun fact” to whip out at a party.


Guessing other people's type is a game that could actually be more harmful than helpful.

I know, I get it, it’s fun. 

I’ve done it & I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I kinda like it.

It’s hilarious to talk about our mom and college roommate and boss and highschool boyfriends grandma and all the classic “enneagram 1” or “enneagram 2,” or whatever type we speculate they are, things they do.

But we gotta stop.

It puts them in the very box we demand that others not put us in.

We’re all so unbelievably & beautifully nuanced.

If part of the nuanced-ness of our personality or our spouses or friends or family’s personality is that we don’t know their type, then it’s ok and that’s how it should be.

Beautifully nuanced, somewhat unknown, but that individuals journey and type to uniquely discover.

want to learn more about the enneagram?

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